Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
