I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
