Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
