Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
We got so high we made milksteak
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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