Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
