Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
