Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
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Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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