When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
