im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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