The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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