it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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