for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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