Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
