Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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