Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
