I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
We are two peas in an std pod
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
