I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
