New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
