I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
