so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
