Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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