AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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