After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
