I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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