Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
