Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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