Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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