So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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