she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
soo... how was my night?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
