I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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