Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
