tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
