this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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