i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
