I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
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great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
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That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.