i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.