then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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