My hand turned me down
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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