____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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