dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
