If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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