My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize