I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
