get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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