Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
