I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
We had to coat check the pizza.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
