Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
