so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Vodka?
Forever.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
