So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
