So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
