OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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