see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
