And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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