I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
