Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
