i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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