Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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