Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
