My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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