I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
