i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
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Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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